Masking for Survival
- Emily Kay
- Dec 7, 2024
- 6 min read
Intro~
Intro to Topic
Today’s topic is… drumroll, please! Masking! I’m not talking about Halloween masks, spa day face masks, or masking to keep COVID-19 from spreading. The type of masking I am talking about is when a neurodivergent person hides their “quirks” and acts neurotypical. Masking can also be referred to as “social camouflaging” or “compensatory strategies.” I like to describe it as “cosplaying normalcy.” Just a reminder that “normal” is one of the most subjective words in the English language. I describe it this way because I have always felt different. Having autism is my normal, though, and I love being me.
Learning to Mask
Learning to mask tends to be more subconscious than purposeful. Young undiagnosed autistics learn early on that their behaviors stray away from their peers. This is completely okay and typical for neurodivergent peeps, but it doesn’t always feel okay. Being the odd one out can be devastating to one’s self-confidence. Because of this, many autistics become very observant of the actions of others so that they can replicate the behaviors of those around them.
Remember that not everything I say relates to every autistic person. I am drawing from my personal experience and the statistics in my sources, which can be found in the transcription for this episode on my Patreon. Transcriptions and sources are always available for free on my Patreon. All other content is available for as little as $1/month! All money earned through my content goes to funding my goal of advocating for autism education in schools. My hope is to raise enough supporters so that I can offer my services to schools absolutely free. (Okay, Emily, enough with the self-promotion.)
My experience in learning to mask was about paying attention to accepted behaviors on TV and in my environment. If my peers got positive reactions, I would file their actions into my mind as desired behaviors. Sometimes, I would take them out of context. For example, MY MIND IS BLANK - WILL RETURN TO ADD.
Masking affected my projected preferences, expectations, and emotions. It didn’t matter how I actually felt. What mattered was that I guessed how others expected me to feel. Was that sentence exhausting to read? Imagine how it felt to be in the constant state of vigilance needed to succeed in this task. Survival of the fittest is very hard for those who aren’t given the same tools to succeed. Another reality of masking is the meltdowns when life doesn’t follow your predicted script. For example, if I practice what I’m going to say to someone expecting that they agree with me, it is extremely off-putting if they disagree or act confused. This is frustrating, like when you’re writing an entire ten-page essay just to have the teacher deny ever assigning it. You may have seen those memes about social anxiety when talking to restaurant staff, and they ask you a
question you weren’t prepared to answer. The punchline usually consists of a panicked face and some variation of “ABORT ABORT ABORT.” This is a great comparison to daily conversations when living with autism.
I have learned most of my facial expressions stem from mimicking others and memorizing emotions from TV shows. I practice the facial expressions I read in books so I can use them in appropriate situations. I either give too much eye contact or absolutely none. I stare so deep into the soul of whoever I’m talking to until they look away, or I make others feel like I’m not really listening. I promise that I am. Eye contact is painful for my brain. Most times, I have to remind myself how often I’m supposed to blink, which leads to me losing focus on the conversation itself. That is when I stop listening.
I used to find myself having to tone down my actions a lot. Excited? Don’t jump up and down. You can bounce your heels once. Now that I’m diagnosed with autism, I just used that as an excuse for how animated I am. I know to shut down my more attention-grabbing fidgets and stims when in public. Patting the side of my face will be taken wrongly, so I try to pat my thigh subtly. Making high-pitched squeaks is found to be incredibly annoying, so I need to mix it into normal conversation. For an example of that one, sending my voice too high for a second, then laugh it off as a weird voice crack.
I learned to hide my flinch when unexpectedly touched. I’d hold in my tears of discomfort when my skin touches distressing textures. I would be in a constant state of control. No reactions to any stimuli unless deemed acceptable by society. The only one I could never really hide was my reaction to loud noises. I always jump, scream, or just stop breathing for a moment. There are many more examples, but I’ll expose my inner demons another time. For now, I’d like to express my thankfulness that I don’t feel the need to hide anymore.
The Science Behind Masking
There is little science behind masking. It is a learned behavior, a response to the need to compensate for differences. It's more based on human emotions and the need to feel safe from standing out. Avoiding stigmas, mistreatment at work, and bullying at school are big motivators for masking. Many autistics feel the need to mask in order to make friends or attract their future spouse. The bottom line is wanting to belong.
Any neurodivergent person can learn to mask, but the group that statistically masks the most are autistic AFAB women. Here are some statistics from Healthline.com. As always, quotes are edited for grammar on the transcript but otherwise are direct from the source.
“In a 2019 studyTrusted Source, researchers found that stress and anxiety were higher in people who routinely masked autistic traits, compared to those who used masking less often.“ In 2018, researchers interviewed 111 autistic adults, finding that those who reported masking their autistic traits had symptoms of depression and felt unaccepted by people in their social sphere.
Masking consumes huge amounts of energy. In a 2016 studyTrusted Source, women who used masking to satisfy neurotypical standards said they felt exhausted by the constant effort.
Some people are so successful with masking that their autism isn’t identified until they are much older. That delay can lead to mental health issues because people don’t get the support or understanding they need.
Some people who mask their identity, interests, and traits feel that they no longer know who they really are. Some have said masking feels like self-betrayal, while others say it makes them feel they’re deceiving other people. When people push themselves to behave in ways that don’t feel authentic, the result can be an overwhelming feeling of overload, sometimes called autistic burnout. Masking may require an extended period of quiet withdrawal and recovery.
In a recent studyTrusted Source, prolonged masking was linked to “lifetime suicidality.” The study was relatively small (160 students) and involved primarily women (89.6 percent). However, it showed that masking led to feeling like a burden, which in turn led to more suicidal thoughts over the course of a lifetime.”
The bottom line is that masking represses the traits that make you who you are. After this ad break, I’ll give some information about taking care of yourself if you’re in the habit of masking or how to offer support to someone you love who masks.
Ad Break~
How to Offer Support
The biggest thing to do if you are someone who is almost always in a constant state of masking is to give yourself time to recover. Masking takes a lot more energy than social interactions where you feel safe to be yourself. Don’t forget that your mental health matters more than how others want you to ask. If you’re tired of masking but don’t feel like certain people in your life would accept you without masking, take a step away. I’m not going to say to cut them off or block them. That is completely your choice. I will say, however, that giving yourself breaks from masking is more important than their opinions about you, your fear of missing out, or any activity that you have planned. Pushing yourself too far can lead to autistic burnout, which can be brutal.
God, it's brutal out here
“Brutal,” Olivia Rodrigo, Sour
If you know someone who masks their autism, my advice is pretty much the same. Make sure to give them leeway when you plan busy days so they can have breaks. Supporting your autistic loved one can be as simple as making time for them to have breaks and let down their mask or as complicated as working with them to let down their masks overall. A great thing that I hope to do as an autism advocate is to help neurodivergents talk to their teachers, bosses, or other authority figures to ensure that they get the proper time away that they need to improve their well-being in these environments.
Quick shout out to Olivia Rodrigo for her song “Brutal,” which I used a line from earlier in this episode. I’m a fan of hers, affectionately called “Livies,” and I greatly relate to her music. If you haven’t heard this song or her song “Stranger” that I used in a previous episode, please give them
a listen! Please hit me up if you have any connections to the beautiful artist, as I would absolutely love to have her on this podcast. That would make my little autistic heart so full of happiness that I might actually explode. Metaphorically, I promise.
Outro~
Sources:
Healthline
Neuro Divergent Insights
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