Struggling with my Filter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=PLsEvtZl1d5vDuCudMXfhEjbo8IRofyxyU&v=iWHs5fylLf0

Intro

Hi, I am EmKay Archlink. I am the author of the book Unseen Powers and the TikToker

NinjaGalEmKay. Welcome to RAW-tism, a podcast about my autistic experience and my

opinions on the world. On this podcast, I will be raw and unfiltered. You are always welcome to

disagree with me as long as you do so respectfully and with no name-calling. Any usage of the

r-slur will get you immediately blocked.

Language Filter

This week’s topic is the common neurodivergent struggle of filtering language. Most people

understand that specific issues are only discussed in particular places. For example, speaking

in-depth about bathroom experiences or diaper changes at a restaurant is not polite. That may

seem obvious, but these unspoken rules can be challenging for autistics to learn and understand. I

can say that it’s been an issue for me my whole life.

An analogy that I’ve used many times before is that my autism is like being a toddler in

an adult’s body. I have the life experience and government proof of my adulthood. I own a car,

rent an apartment, and pay a bajillion bills. Even with all that, my wisdom of social cues is

dreadful. The unspoken rules that most adults know are puzzling to me. I do my best to survive

this allistic world by surrounding myself with people willing to put in the time to explain

fundamental social concepts to me. Otherwise, I struggle to catch on and can unintentionally

come across as rude or insensitive.

It sounds crazy to a lot of people. I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard, “You need to

think before you speak.” My problem isn’t the lack of thought in what I say. I assure you, my

anxiety will go over it fifty thousand times in my brain before transmitting it to my mouth. The

problem is that my rulebook on society has too many blank pages. As a kid, I got into so much

trouble for putting my foot in my mouth, and I would have no idea how it got there. Learning to

play a game without knowing all the rules is incredibly frustrating.

In my adult toddler analogy, if you give a three-year-old a basketball and tell them to take

it to the basket at the end of the court, I’d bet my life savings on that kid carrying the ball instead

of dribbling it. No one would blame them. They’re just a kid, and everyone understands they’re

still learning.

The rules of speech are a similar dilemma. I have always been fascinated with the rules of

grammar and cadence. I have been complimented on my eloquence and strength in writing for as

long as I can remember. Those rules were taught to me, and I excelled. Unfortunately, no one

taught me how to talk socially. It was supposed to come naturally, but it never did.

Ad Break

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Vocal Stims

Autism is different for everyone. Having my particular cocktail of autism – ADHD, OCD, and

anxiety – I tend to lean toward verbal stimulation as a way to settle my brain. Vocal stimming is

a repetitive behavior that serves as a coping mechanism. Various stimuli, which in my case

include ordinarily strong emotions, can trigger it. Vocalizations can take many forms, including

humming, grunting, moaning, or repeating words or phrases.

Echolalia

Another way that my brain uses vocal stimulation is through the common comorbidity of autism,

echolalia. Echoing words or phrases heard or spoken prior is typical of autism. For me, echolalia

is a secret agent inside my mind. Ninety percent of the time, I have no idea I am copying what I

heard or repeating myself incessantly. This can lead to being an annoyance or getting yelled at to

“shut the fuck up.”

One time, I had just finished helping my friend at the time with their groceries at our local

Walmart. On our way out of the store, I saw a little girl with cute boots showing the characters of

the Disney movie Frozen. Unbeknownst to me, after my first comment about the shoes, I

repeated the word “boots” under my breath. By the time we settled into the friend’s car, they

were at their wits end with me. They told me they loved me but could not stand me repeating

words and asked me to stop. They were so annoyed with me that I was quiet the whole ride back

to their apartment. I was terrified of making it worse because I had no idea that I was doing

anything in the first place.

Thankfully, I now have friends who communicate immediately rather than when it gets to the

point of annoyance. I appreciate being told that I’ve been repeating myself or that one of my

actions is negatively affecting those around me. It is much better to get a casual heads-up than to

feel the world around you sour without ever knowing why.

Slurs

Because of my sneaky echolalia vocal stimming, I do my best to avoid any media that contains

slurs. The r-slur pisses me off and will trigger hours of ranting on my part, but there are other

slurs that I avoid because I know repeating them could trigger others. I can’t listen to songs or

watch movies that have the n-word. The risk of repeating it unintentionally is much greater than I

am willing. I avoid the f-slur that pertains to gays and any words that can put down a minority. It

does limit what rap songs I can listen to, but I feel like it’s my duty to make sure that my

disability does not harm those around me.

Outro

Regardless of your thoughts and feelings toward me, I have a love for every one of you. You are

wanted by many, loved by many, and so many want you to stay in this world. I am one of these

“many”s and will always be.

Self-Promotion

I hope you enjoyed this episode, and thank you for listening to RAW-tism.

If you’d like to support this podcast, the description includes links with referral codes to Cirkul’s water bottles, Pair Eyewear’s customizable glasses, and my favorite Amazon products. The transcript for this episode can be found for free on my Patreon, which is also linked below. 

Would you like to see more of me? In that case, visit emkayarchlink.com for links to my TikTok,

Instagram, and YouTube. My book Unseen Powers is available in hardback, paperback, or

digitally through Amazon. Remember to drink water, eat some nummies, and have your best life.

Bye!!

Podcast description

In this episode of Archlink, LLC’s “RAW-tism,” EmKay Archlink introduces the podcast and

summarizes what listeners can expect.